How I Plan To Take Over The World

How I plan to take over the world. It’s simple really, and it all begins with Girl Scout cookies. Thin Mints and Tagalongs, what a great way to initiate an evil plot, don’t you think? The plan was simple, divide and conquer. But in order to accomplish my goal of becoming Empress of the World, first I needed help. And my friends needed roles.

They go as follows:

Introducing the Baconator: Don’t worry, it’s a nickname. Standing at five foot three, she eats three pieces of bacon at every meal (including snack) and her favorite color is periwinkle. It’s also her favorite flower. And along with the Baconator is another friend of mine, J.J. She prefers her bio to be one word: Awesome. Both of these girls will make an appearance in this plot along with a few of the regulars (you can see more about them on the Meet the Characters page) which we hatched over lunch one day during Middle School. (Because everyone knows you are never more evil then when you are 13 years old).

Like I said before, the plan begins with cookies and two very psychotic Girl Scouts. Or, two very psychotic people dressed as Girl Scouts. (Whichever floats your boat). Now, in order to take over the world, you must first suppress the leaders; that is the key. So, we devised a plot in which to subdue the President using our brains, a lion, a sniper (no worries—it’s a paint ball gun), Oprah, and lots of cookies. This plan, we believe, would work with just about any political leader or famous person that has guards and a highly protected home environment.

First, the sniper (J.J.) is dropped onto the roof in a fly-over by an invisible helicopter. Good luck getting one of those, they’re still in testing. Second, the Girl Scouts (Mel and Maxine) get into place, Thin Mints in hand. Then the lion tamer (The Baconator) who is in the same truck as our computer hacker (Sophie) prepares her lion, and the plan is set. Next, release the lion. As the lion sprints across the lawn, attracting the attention of the Secret Service, the Girl Scouts approach the front door. From the van, the computer hacker releases the emergency lock and the Girl Scouts are in.

But wait! The cookies are packed with tranquilizers and the staff quickly falls asleep. As the sniper–with her many colorful paintballs– and the lion tamer work together to keep the Secret Service distracted, the two Girl Scouts infiltrate the Oval Office where the President will be drinking his morning coffee. And what goes better with coffee than a cookie? He’ll ask how they got inside and the girls will smile and say, “Because we’re Girl Scouts.” (Which is true, they follow an honor code.) Except, remember, these two aren’t actually Girl Scouts. This is when they go crazy. Jumping up and down, screaming, beating their chests like animals, whatever it takes to royally freak out the President.

Then, he runs away.

With the President out of the picture, one of the Girl Scouts uses the hotline on the phone to call Oprah (who is all-powerful) and, using her connections, I –Girl Scout number one—become Empress of the world.

Who cares if there are a couple of imperfections in my plan? It’s going to take a little time to work out the kinks. Besides, everyone knows the only way to take over the world is creatively. Our mothers would be so proud!

So, that’s it, our blueprint for my becoming Empress. (Though, thinking back on it, I believe we were supposed to ‘share’ the power. Oh well, I think they would enjoy my rulership. Jelly Doughnut Wednesdays would be fun, right?!)

Until next time! (Don’t try this at home.) Forever and Average,


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