The top ten rules for living next to drug dealers. You think I’m kidding but I’m not.

1) Get to know the matriarch of the family; she’s old and still running a drug ring. Good for her. If you’re nice to her, she makes sure that  you do not have to deal with her idiot grandchildren. And she bakes you cookies (the drugless kind–don’t need any of that stuff).

2) If the very attractive drug dealer asks you if he can pick apples for your apple tree (which is literal and NOT an idiom for something sexual–you dirty minded people) say yes, it’s likely he will offer you some when he’s finished. And if your grandmother is like mine and makes wicked cinnamon apples, then you definitely want to take him up on his offer.

3)Learn to recognize the typical customer’s car. If it’s a piece-of-crap junker, it’s likely they’re headed your way. Don’t accept candy from them.

4) Those adorable little children that play in the swimming pool–their parents are leaders in a drug ring–I don’t suggest offering to babysit.

5) Don’t be alarmed when the cops roll through. They are on patrol, not looking to arrest you. (Unless you did something illegal and then, well, that’s your problem).

6) If the drug dealers have sons in their early twenties and you have an elderly grandmother, they may ask you if you’d like them to mow your lawn. If they are not bad-looking, I’d say yes. There’s nothing wrong with a young lad on a John Deer, well…unless that young lad happens to be a member of a crime family. But now you don’t have to mow it, so why not?!

7) It’s best NOT to investigate the mysterious noises being made in their back yard at night

or

8) Ask questions like: Why are they burning stuff? What are they burning? Why is the fire turning blue? What are those loud explosion noises? Why are they wearing gloves? (Especially not out loud where they might hear you.) My suggestion: if you’re nervous, call the cops, it can’t do much harm. Plus then their grandmother (the crime lord one) will come kick their butts. Hence being nice to grandma!

9)Don’t invite them over for supper. Even if the grandson your age happens to be attractive. Resist! It won’t turn out well.

and finally,

10) Don’t marry into the family.

So that’s that, my advice for living next to the Joneses–or the complete opposite of the Joneses–whatever floats your boat. If you’ve been following along with my blog, you will notice I have given hints of my location throughout my stories. Now, before you get too excited, I’m not going to tell you where I am–that would ruin all the fun! Keeping you guessing is like a live-action game of Where’s Waldo!

Have any guesses though? Post them in a comment. Let’s see how close you can get. I won’t tell you where I really am, but I might tell you if you’re close. If any of you even care. It won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t.

P.S. This does not count if you know who and where I am. You know who I’m talking about. Rupee.

Forever and Average,

Mel