I had a teacher in the eight grade who–no joke, true story–told us that there were, in fact, no real people in South Dakota, only aliens, and that the people in North Dakota were there for the sole purpose of studying these strange creatures. Now, you might be thinking: “Oh, this man was clearly joking.” I am here to tell you that that was not the case. He was old, senile, with silver hair, a bad knee, and an–and I kid you not–accordion that he constantly pulled out and played for us. He compared grammar to shooting unicorns and Dick Chaney, and one day he literally put a claustrophobic kid in a closet and then LOCKED HIM IN THERE.

Little to say, we didn’t exactly take anything he said seriously. Until now.

Like I tell everyone, my teacher for art appreciation isn’t a bad teacher, she’s just a horrible human being. Or maybe, as I have come to believe, a death-for-all-Earthlings seeking Alien.

This past week she managed to: insult 2 different religions, make all the males in the class feel inferior, make the entire first row jump out of their seats by randomly screaming at them, call us all “inept cods” (whatever that means), call us all idiots (a synonym for “inept cods”?), tell anyone who didn’t know the story of Adam and Eve that they lived under a rock (so basically insult all religions that don’t have a base in Christianity), and, last but not least, told us that for our upcoming test we don’t need to know “x, y, z” but that we should know it in case she asks…what???

Some (…okay, most) days I would like to punch her in the face but then I would feel bad, and I feel like it might make her even worse. Like what if it knocks her brain into a different position and makes her crazier?!?

Please tell me if you have an even crazier professor/teacher. I would love to know!

Forever Average,

Mel