If I Were a Cartoon Character I Would Be… 2D!

So, like every normal college student on summer vacation, I have been extraordinarily unproductive lately. Thus, I’ve been watching a lot of television. The other day I was flipping through channels and came across some of the cartoon channels that I used to watch all the time when I was younger (namely Disney, Cartoon Network, and Nickelodeon). I have made an executive decision: all of the new cartoon shows are super creepy.

I don’t know if it’s the animation, the fact that the creatures are becoming so befuddled that gender is becoming questionable (although, if Blue’s Clues taught us anything, it’s that just because you are blue doesn’t necessarily mean you are a boy. I lived my entire childhood believing in lies! Screw you Blue’s Clues!)

I don’t know if any of you have seen these new shows, but some of them are a little frightening. Anyway, it got me thinking: what would happen if the characters/events/etc. within cartoons could cross over into the real world?

I thought it was pretty brilliant.

For one thing, you could flatten people behind doors. Can you imagine if every time you opened a door on someone they just flattened behind it? Not only would we have super strength, but we’d also be able to make people 2D. That’s pretty freaking boss, right?!

The unrealistic gravity expectations of the cartoon world would also come to life. Every time we wanted to go somewhere we could just bounce, jump, or climb and not have to worry much about gravity. We could also run in place so quickly that (rather than falling through the hole like science would have you believe–not today science!) we could just jet ourselves forward out of harms way. The possibilities are endless.

I could have a pet dragon. Shoot, we could all have pet dragons. Enough said.

Then, in a two-part bonus, names and colors mean absolutely nothing in the cartoon world. I could be a purple giraffe named Buzzlbee and that would be totally acceptable. We could be any color we wanted, name ourselves literally anything, and be accepted completely for who we are. Unless you’re a bad guy, which leads me to my next point:

Bad guys suck at being bad.

Really, though. I’ve never seen a single cartoon where the bad guy is intelligent enough not to get caught by a bunch of kids. Dr. Drakken, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Mojo Jojo, the members of H.I.V.E., Fire Lord Ozai, all of them were defeated by a bunch of children. Sometimes they were children with super powers, albeit, and sometimes they were normal humans, but either way they all got decked by a bunch of kids. If this were true in real life, there would literally be no crime. Sure, the bad guys would probably be doing worse things than they already are, but they’d get their butts kicked by kids in approximately half an hour. It would be no biggie.

And my final point of why it would be awesome if we lived in a cartoon world, is that everyday would be an adventure. There would be no boring office work, no snooze-fests at school, we could literally go anywhere and do whatever we wanted on adventures that, for the most part, are benefiting mankind. It would be the coolest community service ever.

I’m telling you, it would be brilliant. What do you think? Yay? Nay? I’m personally a yay because I really want wings (that would be awesome)! I need to come up with a cool cartoon-self catchphrase.

BOOM! Sent you back to the second dimension!

It’s a work in progress.



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