Terrifying Children Shed a New Light on Gun Control Laws

Reason number 873 why Nebraska should not be a state made itself clear to me today in the form of Children of the Corn. It also gave me a new appreciation for modern weapons. As in: if some crazy kids ever come at me with scythes, it’s go time. I’ll just pull out my (once thought to be unnecessary) automatic weapon and go ham.

Seriously, why…? Just…WHY???

And, to make matters worse, I made an unintentional corn pun while Sophie used her new puppy as a shield against the terrifying kids on the television. I called the movie corny (which it was because 1984 special effects…well, they sure are special) and ended up nearly choking to death from hysterical laughter that was equal parts actual humor and complete terror at the super creepy children with farming weapons.

And then the corn came to life. The End.

Wait, what? I’m still confused. So was there a demon in the corn and this whole time I just thought the film was going for the “cult” aspect of creepy? Maybe they should have introduced that concept in the beginning? I don’t know, slipped some foreshadowing in there just for funzies. An idea–just going to throw that out there. And, no, I didn’t read the book. I’m not too big on horror novels. It’s not that I dislike them as much as they just don’t capture my attention like other genres. Stephen King is still a boss, though, don’t lie!

But, yes, the 80’s, where there were no cellphones, people had horrible hair, children went bat@#!% crazy, and no one (IN NEBRASKA) owned a gun. Not even the town police officer(s) the children killed–obviously–because the little turds were still running around with crooked knives. A gun would have made everything go so much smoother. Think about it, they could have killed their sacrifices way easier. The kids were just stupid. (I think a Nebraska joke could be made here, but I’m going to leave it up to you, dear reader. It’s also one o’clock in the morning and I’m not up for thinking of a good one).

Speaking of the kids, was I supposed to take that leader guy seriously? Because I couldn’t get past his voice. I nearly died laughing a second time when he started talking. He sounded like Alvin the chipmunk sucked in helium. How is it possible to have a higher pitched voice than one of the chipmunks?!?! And how tall are you anyway? 4’11”? Because that’s not intimidating at all. I could just sit on you. And what about his creepy ginger sidekick? What was up with him? Why were all the bad guys such ninnies? I just don’t understand.

So much confusion…so much to write about…


On a side note that has absolutely nothing to do with the previous discussion, I was watching Chelsea Lately tonight when they brought up the fact that the United Kingdom is banning porn, describing it with the tagline: The British Aren’t Coming.

And for the third time, I almost died laughing.

Or maybe my laughter stemmed from my continued fear of the corn kids. At least modern technology has matured to the point that if a demon should ever invest the cornfields of Nebraska we could just nuke the crap out of it, wipe our hands, and call it a day!




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