A Modern Zodiac Calendar

Along with my strongly worded letter that I plan to one day write to Canada’s Prime Minister suggesting that the country’s name be changed to Canadia (I just think it has a little something extra , don’t you?), I would also like to write to whomever it may concern in China to suggest a new, modern version of the Chinese Zodiac.

You see, out of everything on the zodiac wheel, I just happened to luck out being a chicken. Why do I have to be a chicken? The year ahead of me gets to be a monkey, and the year behind me gets to be a dog, but why OF ALL THINGS do I have to be a chicken???

You might be thinking: “Um, it’s definitely a rooster!”

Well cock-a-doodle-doo to you! Does it make a difference whether my animal sign is male or female? Any way you spin it, I’m a chicken. A chicken. It’s like the mosquito of the animal kingdom: pesky and annoying as sin.

So I thought that I would write to China and suggest new animals for the wheel. I would be more than happy to accept unicorn as my new animal. Preferably if I get to be the unicorn from Cabin in the Woods that uses its horn as a deadly weapon and looks, well, just flat-out awesome. In fact, many of the creatures from Cabin in the Woods would make awesome zodiac signs.

Instead of dogs we would have werewolves, horses would become…alright, I guess they can be the unicorns, dragons would become–actually, no, dragons are pretty boss so they can stay–monkeys would become dismemberment goblins, snakes would become giant snakes, tigers can stay too, pigs would become zombies, sheep would become sexy witches, rats would become vampires, ox would become yetis, rabbits would become the scarecrow folk, and lastly the roosters can become dragonbats (are those anything like vampire bats?) Anyway, I find these options to be much more entertaining.

And then I don’t have to be a chicken.

Maybe I’m the only person in the world who thinks about such things, but I can’t help feeling gypped that I have to be a barnyard animal when another option is to be a dragon. I want to be a dragon!!! See, I can breathe fire too, watch!

Sorry, bad joke. But look at the image I found when I was searching for fire-breathing dragons!



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