If Harry Potter Had Been American

I come home to get help with my computer and my family is watching Harry Potter. Not surprising, since the movies are fabulous, but it got me thinking: what would Harry Potter have been like if the whole story was set in America? What would have happened if the people were American, born-and-raised?

And then I got to thinking… the story’s details might have changed just ever-so-slightly. Stuff like this:

Where is Hogwarts? The Louisiana Bayou (because that place is freaking magical. Duh.)

Who are Harry, Ron, and Hermione? Harrison, Rick, and Halley.

Who is Albus Dumbledore? Professor Alfred Donaldson. He used to be in a biker gang. He’s not anymore. (Thus the long, snow-white beard and the bad-ass attitude).

Who is Hagrid? Italian Mafia. His “wand” is a magical cigar that is constantly lit but always remains whole.

Quidditch: Extreme tackle baseball, where three people on the field are given bats, and the rest of the team must attempt to tackle the runners (the people from the other team up to bat) before they make it to base. The three outfielders with bats may also attempt to hit the ball into the runners. Those up to bat must make it to the bases before being tackled (or hit by the ball). If the golden ball (randomly selected by the umpire at any point during the game) is hit in a home-run, the game is automatically over and the team that hit the golden ball is given 150 points.

Who is Lord Voldemort? Benedict Cumberbatch. A.K.A. Khan. (Explains a lot, right?!)

Books 1-7: Um, more like books 1, 5, and 7. I have a feeling (just a small inkling) that if these events were taking place in America, things would go a bit more… swiftly? You see, I feel as though Americans have less patience, so the story would go something like this–

Once upon a time…

There was a little boy who discovered all at once that he was magical and famous. He was also being stalked by the crazed serial killer who had killed his parents, but that didn’t seem to matter so much because he was magical and famous.

After years of studying useful spells from valid professors, he vanquished the dark lord with a spell he had read off of Wikipedia. This took only three years because ain’t nobody got time for that.

He then got a job in Hollywood doing totally boss special effects work for films using magic, all the while keeping his wizarding nature a secret from the muggles (there are so many weird people in Hollywood, he just blended in).  He married Rick’s sister Jenny, and they lived happily ever after with their three children Alfred, Jim, and Lisa.

THE END.

Of course, the series probably would have been much less exciting this way…

Mel

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