The Repercussions of Living in the Arctic

Michigan. It’s really REALLY close to the arctic.

Kind of.


Point is, the southern portion of Michigan (metro Detroit included) has officially–as of this year–had more snow than we’ve had EVER BEFORE. This record hasn’t been broken in one hundred and thirty years. Yes, 130 years.

Worst. Winter. Ever.

I’m just thankful that it at least resulted in something, so there wasn’t a just ridiculous amount of snowfall for no reason. I mean, there was still a ridiculous amount of snowfall for no reason, but at least we broke a record. So, you know… points?

94 inches was about what we ended up with. That’s nearly eight feet of snow. I know there are people out there who would roll their eyes at me. “Psh, eight feet? We get that in a day!” And perhaps that’s true, but we DON’T! Eight feet is a lot of anything here.

This here is a satellite picture of Lake Michigan in January. This winter, the great lakes were recorded to be over 90% frozen. You see how there’s snow covering parts of the lake. Yeah, that shouldn’t have happened!

In January, upper Michigan was the COLDEST PLACE IN THE WORLD on average. And yes, that includes the North Pole and Antarctica.

And all of this I tell you not to complain about the cold, because (thank heavens) that’s over! Nope, it’s to complain about the roads.


Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the winter part of winter that’s hard to get through. You put on extra layers, you mumble bitterly, you eat a lot and brush off the extra weight you gain as “extra padding” against the cold, and you buck it up, buttercup. But the result of all of that cold, snow, and road salt is a hole lot of crazy. (Did you see what I did there? Ahem, sorry.)

The roads are a hot-mess nightmare that are only now beginning to change as road after road is being shut down to be completely redone: pavement, road shoulders, everything. It’s like a game of twister. How many different ways can you drive your car in order to miss as many of the potholes as possible? It’s not possible to miss all of them, but you have to try to avoid the ones that are REALLY deep, the ones that will snap hub caps in half and bend your tire in a million different directions until it’s completely flat and you miss class and want to punch everyone in the face.

The saddest part is that no matter how often road crews come through to patch up these potholes until something more permanent can be done, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Now instead of snow, the ground is completely coated in pieces of gravel that have re-dug themselves out of the potholes. So now there are not just holes,  there are holes and rocks.

So, basically, all of the roads will be nicely repaired and in decent shape by um…next winter! Just in time to have this mad-cycle of crappy roads restart from the beginning. I’m telling you, the state of Michigan should invest in heated roads! Sounds good, right? And if the scientists of the future can get some material that isn’t concrete, but more like rubber, we’d have it made! Heated rubber roads. Brilliant. This is why I should be president!

So who wants to invest in my campaign?

What? I’d be fabulous! A voice of the people! Give us heated roads! And milkshakes! Because that sounds really good right now.



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