The Most Depressing Thing About Amusement Parks

So I have decided to kick off my month of theme-park related posts with the most downtrodden among them. Why? Because I can! And because I’m a firm believer in saving the best for last. Which doesn’t at all mean that this post is bad, by any means. In fact, I think it’s quite good. Of course, I’m a little biased, so… 🙂

Okee Dokee, let’s kick this shiz-nit off with a bang!

According to Yours Truly, what are the most depressing things about amusement parks?

Well, thing #1: the forgotten rides.

I loved my trip to Disney World, it truly is an awesome place, but the forgotten rides that somehow get pushed into the back always bum me out. I found this was more common at Universal than at Disney (since most of Universal’s money goes straight into all things Harry Potter, which is TOTALLY AWESOME, but also means a lot of their other rides that need updates get neglected.)

I think these forgotten rides force you to realize you’re growing up, which is kind of a bummer, even though it’s also kind of important. You know, maybe just a little. I think I probably realized this the most when we were riding the Cat in the Hat ride, which was in desperate need of a makeover. I didn’t hate the ride, it was still amusing, but it was dated, which meant that it was no longer a priority, which meant that a piece of my childhood was no longer relevant to the kids monopolizing the ticket sales of the parks these days.

This realization never ruined the experience of the parks, because there is always something shiny and new to attract attention. But still, the forgotten rides in the back always gave me a bit of an uneasy stomach when it occurred to me that these rides (and the stories they were based off of) meant more to me than they do to the next generation. Because isn’t it true that we always try to retain our own memories from childhood–that’s why people think that old people are old and can’t do anything, right? Because we keep trying to force “how it was” on “how it is” and everyone currently embracing “how it is” thinks your an old kook. Those are my “it’s midnight before classes start back” words of wisdom. You’re welcome.

Now I should lighten it up a bit.

Depressing thing #2: I HATE animatrons. They may be one of the world’s greatest terrors. I hate dolls, and what are animatrons if not electric, moving dolls. Terrifying is what they are, and I hate them. Unfortunately for me, most (if not every one) of Disney’s rides contains animatrons. It’s a Small World terrifies me to this day, but it’s one of Rupee’s favorite rides so of course we went on it. I’m still regretting that decision. They literally sing the same song in multitudes of languages for a solid eight minutes. I thought I was losing my mind.

I still am a little bit, I think.

The human-looking ones are the worst, though. I would much rather see an animatronic cartoon character than a humanoid thingy-ma-jig whose mouth moves slightly off-kilter with its voice-over. They are dolls that move and act like humans (though they very clearly are not.) I don’t care what anyone says, as far as I am concerned, we are one step closer to Chucky and I am not okay with that!

And depressing thing #3: after one day in an amusement park your legs feel like they are going to break off. Probably because they are. One of my friends had a pedometer that calculated how many steps we took upon entering Disney’s Magic Kingdom at 8 o’clock in the morning.

Fifteen miles.

We walked FIFTEEN MILES! How is that even possible? Who does that?

Guests at Disney World, apparently, that’s who.

After the first day, I thought I was dying. Actually dying. I was pretty sure my legs had shriveled up into twigs. However, unlike my past experience at Disney (where it was way too hot and I didn’t drink enough water, which led to me getting admitted to the hospital due to dehydration, vertigo, and heat-exhaustion–not the most fun time at Disney, admittedly–) I made sure to drink plenty of water and stay hydrated. This helped. A lot.

Did it feel like I was dying? Yes, absolutely. But was I actually dying? Thankfully not.

It is my hope that all of that walking burned off the calories from the extremely over-priced, so-sugary-it-burned hot-chocolate and ‘cupcakes in a cup’ that we bought that night to keep ourselves energized. If it can really be called “energized”. It gave us just enough of a sugar-high to make it back to our hotel before completely passing out. Understandable, I think.

Alright, and that’s the end of post 1! Look forward to next week’s post: Water Rides Should Be Well-Marked, and whatever fits my fancy to post in-between.

Lots of love from this Disney fan to you,

Mel

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