If you live in Michigan and can relate, fabulous! If you don’t, here is a list of things you definitely aren’t missing.

#1) People suddenly forget how to drive.

You live in the state that houses the “Motor City” (Detroit). The city that “put the nation on wheels.” For the other six months of the year, you seem to be able to handle yourselves with some sensibility. So what is it about the cold and snow that gives you such anxiety, you feel forced to drive 25mph on every street at every time of the day? It didn’t even snow today, or yesterday, or the day before that. The roads are clear, there is even–dare I say it–excess salt on the roadways. And yet… you drive like you’re simultaneously reading William Faulkner and having a heart attack. Slow, and with very little grace.

If you have grown up in Michigan, or even know anything about it, you’ll know that you should never drive slow here. The unspoken standard is a constant 5mph over the speed limit. If you do not drive at least that fast, someone will be tailing you. You might get a honk, or the finger, or any combination of road-rage expressions.

Obviously, drive sensibly for the weather. Don’t get into a car accident. But that’s if the roads are bad and it’s icy/snowing. On days when it’s just cold–

Drive the speed limit or STAY HOME!

Or drive like Phoebe.

#17) You forget what the sun looks like.

Have I seen it recently? I don’t even remember. A lot of gray. That’s it, that’s all I see. So much gray. Even things that used to have color are now gray because there is so much salt on everything that the world has become muted. I’m also not sure if I have seen an animal other than my dog or a miserable looking human in the past week. No animals. They no longer exist. Just grayness and a depressing silence.

You could almost say the winter so far has been as dark as Batman’s soul.

Shut up, Christian.

#276) You forget how to communicate with other people.

If it weren’t for the fact that I have class on a daily basis, I’m pretty sure I would never see another human being. Ever. I’m pretty good at making it on my own. I’m the type of person who doesn’t need a whole lot of human contact to feel satisfied. But in the dead of Michigan winter, it gets pretty excessive. I’ve often experienced whole weekends where I haven’t left my house–haven’t left my room!–and it occurs to me that that’s probably not the greatest thing in the world.

I mean, whatever if people think I’m a hermit. It’s a totally justifiable thing to do in this -15 degree weather. Who needs that anyway? What does it do for the earth except kill stuff? Nothing, that’s what. A whole bunch of freezing cold nothing.

I’m not even sure if, at this point, I could have a full length conversation with another human being and have it make sense. There would be words, sure, but would they all make sense together? I don’t have much confidence in that.

Man, I guess I sort of had a Friends thing going on today. Whatever, it’s a great show that produces great gifs. I welcome them all!

I don’t know how winter is treating you, wherever you are right now, but I hope it’s warmer than it is here. If not, then I hope you have a lot of depression food to eat. My parents are currently on an eleven day cruise to the Caribbean and they left me in this, so I conned them into buying me a 5-pound tub of Twizzlers from Costco.

Haha, suckers. Who’s the real winner here?

Yeah, it’s still them.