A Marginal Tale: Once Upon a Line

A doodle story that takes place when I should be listening to my math professor.

Let’s Start At the Beginning…

Once upon a time there was a Ninja named Sanquan and a Pirate named Arrdy. They did not like each other because every time Sanquan had a girlfriend, Arrdy would steal her away with his awesome pirateyness and his dragon named Magnus.

So after another argument (and to think of more devilishly, piratey plans) Arrdy moved to his own island where he continued to be a womanizer and philanderer.

But when Arrdy heard that Sanquan had a new girlfriend–a princess!–Arrdy decided to head back to the kingdom to see if she was pretty. And if she was, he was going to take her!!!! (He’s a really bad friend). He sent Magnus ahead to scout out the situation and see if the princess was as pretty as the rumors made her out to be.

But when Magnus saw Sanquan he remembered all of the times the ninja promised to give him a sheep and didn’t. So he decided to attack him instead!!!

So the fight was on! Sanquan fought with all his might against the dragon Magnus. And finally, when he thought forsurely he would die, a random black hole appeared and sucked Magnus into its miserable cold death of deathness!

Luckily, Sanquan had an Easy Button from Staples! He didn’t even have to get rid of Magnus’ body because he was sucked into a black hole. But Sanquan should not be so naive to think that the dragon is dead. After all, he didn’t die, he only disappeared. And besides, this is a story sketched in a notebook. Whatever goes–all bets are off!
Little to say, the Princess was very grateful. And confused. She had always been told that ninjas were never seen, so who was this one? And what did he want with her? She doubted her mother would approve of him as a suitor since her mother thought black was a morbid color to wear when one was not in mourning. The Queen much preferred purple. But, then again, she stuck her daughter in a tower, so who gives a crap what she thinks?!

He’s not a very modest ninja. But, wait! What is that?! Or, rather, who????

The attack was on: pirate vs. ninja, Arrdy vs. Sanquan and it was a bloody one!  Strike, strike, strike! Numchuck clashed against sword as they battled their way over hills, through valleys, deep into trenches, and atop the castle walls! (The Princess was quite impressed that they did not once run out of breath from all the running).

They each fought with fantastic amounts of grandeur and bravery, but alas, only one could survive.

The Princess was stunned by the outcome. After all, what was a helpless girl stuck in a tower to do? It wasn’t as if she, a girl, had any power. She didn’t have any brains. She was a girl. And stuck in a tower. Besides, what are brains compared to long golden locks anyway?

But then, right when things seemed to be the worst, what should appear but a magic sleigh and reindeer??? Just kidding about the sleigh and reindeer, but there was a magical lady with a wand. That’s neat, right?!

It’s the princess’s magical fairy godmother and she has a magical wand which does magical things. She slightly resembles Galinda from The Wizard of Oz, except her dress isn’t as pretty and she didn’t arrive in a shiny bubble. What a shame. But with magical ladies comes trouble! Arrdy was not so happy to see her, and immediately there was war at hand!

What neither the princess nor Arrdy knew, however, was that the fairy godmother was no fairy godmother–she was a witch!!! Egads! Her clothes turned black (as did her little pointy hat) and she had ugly wrinkles–invisible in this rough sketch–with a giant boil on one side of her face like the kid in Fairly Odd Parents. She also had a bad personality. Boo!

So then, in boredom (and possibly fear) the princess started singing to herself. The fight with Arrdy and the evil witch was temporarily postponed due to poor weather–acid rain. They tried to fight through it but it started putting holes in their clothes and they did not feel like fighting in the nude.

A cut in the action–who is this??? An ugly pirate parrot? How could he possible be involved?

Arrdy was very excited to meet his new pirate parrot friend and immediately welcomed him into the fold of pirateness. He started waving his sword around, nearly cutting off a toe with its sharp tip. Then he remembered, he was a stick figure and did not have toes. But still, his enthusiasm was immense.

But the parrot did not want to be his friend because, like the fairy-godmother-turned-evil-witch, the pirate had a bad personality. And he gave the bird an ugly (and not very intimidating) name.

Arrdy, however, did not appreciate the bird’s sass (even if it was truthful). Arrdy then threatened to have him neutered. What a low blow! (Pun completely intended). He was so angry, the pirate even spelled neutered wrong.

The Princess, forgotten in the past few images as the bird and his pirate friend argue, was very impatient. She was tired of being stuck in a tower, she needed to take a bath really really bad, and she hated pirates. With her witty brains (and due to the fact that, clearly, anything can happen in this story) she called to the newly named Schneider to fly her away.

And he did. They left Arrdy all by himself, waving his fist in the air as he shouted that he would get his revenge. Well, actually he said, “Arrg maties, I will thrust a scabbard in ye gut and ride the winds to the land of gold with the golden hair atop the scourge of the arc.” I shortened it for narration’s sake. And because it didn’t make any sense.

But did the Princess care? No she didn’t. She was happy to be free and clean (she got to take a bath). I’m not sure where the bird took her but it was somewhere far away and relatively safe. Maybe.

And then she baked a pie. But some magical fairy dust got put into it and turned the pie blue. It made anyone who ate it turn into a leprechaun for one day. Then they died. Not really, they just turned into zombies. Though, that’s kind of the same thing. It was very strange fairy dust from a very crabby fairy.

Meanwhile, Arrdy was throwing a tantrum about his pet bird flying away with his girlfriend.

He thought she was his girlfriend. She did not agree because he was a jerkish pirate. And he could not dance. That is essential in a would-be-spouse of a princess. He must be able to dance. The Stanky Leg! But Arrdy had two left feet. Poor Arrdy, he just couldn’t catch a break. Maybe if he was less of a douche bag he would be able to get the princess. Like Shrek! (Except he was an ogre and not a pirate…)

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And then, out of nowhere came a flying monkey!!! His namew was Renardo the Valient.

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He startled the Princess and so she threw a bucket of dirty soap water in his face. Unlike the Wicked Witch of the West, however, he did not melt. He only got very very soggy.

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He hated being damp.

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Luckily for him, the Princess had a kind heart and–conveniently–a hair dryer that she used to turn the damp monkey into…

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A puffy, fuzzy monkey. Hurray! This was very exciting news because now the strange monkey looked much nicer. He thanked the Princess for her help and she said it was her pleasure. It never occurred to her that she should probably have been wary of any animal that could talk, but she wasn’t the reddest apple in the pale, and so the thought never crossed her mind.

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It was after this brief discussion that the Princess noticed a scrap of paper taped to the monkey’s back. It read, “Kiss Me”, and like every obedient princess before her, she did.
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Bam! With a crack of thunder and a swirly whirly, pretty light show, the monkey turned into a prince. It turned out he had been a monkey for over two years and was growing quite tired of eating bugs. His name was Timothy and he was a lovely person to be around. He even knew the proper way to drink tea. This was how the Princess knew he was The OneSnapshot_20121207_3

His horse, a beautiful white stallion, had also appeared out of thin air. While the Prince had been a monkey, his steed had been a rock. His name was Buckley. Snapshot_20121207_5

Together the two new lovers rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. Or so they thought…Snapshot_20121207_6

But who is this??? Arrdy–somehow forgotten–realized the Prince’s underhanded snatching away of his “girlfriend”. He was not happy. See how his fist waved as he shouted his revenge. Snapshot_20121207_7

And then he got sucked into a black hole. Snapshot_20121207_8

Poor Arrdy couldn’t catch a break. Oh well. Snapshot_20121207_9




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