The Take-Down of the Comeback Queen

So, I am one of those people who are sadly disabled when it comes to comebacks. You know who I’m talking about, right? The person who responds to

“You suck!” with:

“Oh yeah?” *long pause* “You too!”

Not that many people tell me I suck–I just realized that example makes my life sound depressing–but you get what I’m saying. I hope.

It’s embarrassing, really, just how crappy I am at comebacks. In my head I am the Comeback Queen. Of course, that’s only after hours of thought during which I’m constantly trying to come up with what I could have said in the moment. Then I always think of something really really good and it’s the next day when everyone–except apparently me–has forgotten all about the conversation.

Unfortunately, it’s not a skill you can improve upon. I suppose the gene just skipped me and jumped to my sister Edith because she’s really good at it. Which probably explains why I lose arguments so often.

I would totally make a How-To post out of this except I need someone to tell me how, because apparently I just don’t get it. So, instead, I’ll list my Top 5 favorite comebacks of all time. Either I have heard these used in real life, on television, or they’re something I wish I had said during an argument. Here goes: The Top 5 Most Awesomest Comebacks Ever.

1) We’ll start with the Classic Comeback. This is the one that everyone knows how to use and has probably thrown at someone at least once in their life. I call it: the flip-an-insult-on-its-head comeback.

Example: Person 1= “Your dog is ugly!”

Person 2= “Oh yeah? You’re ugly!”

If this oh-so-creative example isn’t good enough, here’s one from the popular t.v. show Friends:

Monica: You don’t like the game, because you suck at it.
Chandler: I don’t suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.

2) From the T.V. show Psych (just because it happens to be the best show ever and they have great comebacks):

Burton ‘Gus’ Guster: Are you crazy?
Shawn Spencer: I wouldn’t say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

Carlton Lassiter: I need to get something off my chest.
Shawn Spencer: Is it your shirt? Please say no.

(This one is less of a comeback but it is really funny so I added it!)

Shawn Spencer: Good morning detectives, collecting money for the Policeman’s ball?
Carlton Lassiter: We don’t have balls.
Shawn Spencer: I honestly have no response to that.

3) I’m not sure why, but the characters in the trilogy that I am writing always have fantastic comebacks. And I’m not even thinking about them while I write! My unconscious mind just does not want me to succeed. I had examples for this one but I’m having trouble finding them in my word document, so I guess this one will have to go exampleless. Sorry.

4) I found these on the internet and think they are quite hilarious! Oh. Burn.

If you want to see the rest of them, here’s the link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/wittiest-comebacks-of-all-time

5) Last but not least we have the inevitable quote from the film Pitch Perfect. I just recently saw this (yes, I know, I have been seriously delayed jumping aboard this train) but it was extremely funny and this comeback definitely deserves to be in the Top 5.

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