Everything Hurts: A Memoir

amypoehler

So there’s this joke that is pretty common in my head; that if I were to have an autobiography, it would be called “Everything Itches: An Autobiography Nobody Asked For,” because I have so many allergies that I am constantly having to take allergy medication for hives or a runny nose – yeah, you get the picture.

The second part of that joke (again, with myself) is that if I had to write a sequel (because everyone writes sequels to their autobiographies…? Hey, there’s a lot to talk about, okay?!) it would be titled “Everything Hurts: Part 2 of an Autobiography Nobody Asked For.”

I’m always injuring myself.

Take last night for example: I get home from working close at the shoe retail store where I am employed (I won’t specifically say the name, but we’re ALL about shoes.) I was tired, my feet hurt, and I just wanted to go to sleep – particularly because I had to wake up this morning at six a.m. to go back to work.

And then my head started to hurt. I tried to sleep it off but at around midnight I ended up going to grab a breakfast bar so that I could take some medication.

It was dark. No one was awake but me.

So, of course, I scared myself.

I have a very active imagination and I love watching horror movies – I did this to myself :/

I sprinted upstairs, got to my bedroom, tripped over NOTHING, and body checked the wall on my way to the ground. I woke up everyone in my house – oops – and now I have the bruises all over my side to prove that I should probably not eat at midnight. At least, that’s my interpretation. Plus, I already know that I’m clumsy, so that’s no surprise there.

Basically, I’m telling you this story for two reasons 1) because I think everyone around me is tired of me telling this story and complaining about how much my back hurts, and 2) so hopefully (if you are just as clumsy as me) you will be able to relate and laugh with me. (Not AT me, please. My parents already did that…)

So now I am laying on an ice pack in bed. Watching shows on my laptop. It’s not the worst thing to have happened, but it also made work difficult this morning.

I’m not lying when I say everything hurts.

I bought pain patches – which are super overpriced by the way! – and hopefully that will be useful.

We’ll see, I guess.

Ouch.

-KP

 

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